Pilot Relationships

In this rapidly changing economy, we are constantly being inundated with negative press about “how bad it is out there”, and the reality of the housing market and the stock market supports this statement. However, much of your stress is self created by how you think. For example, you look at your most recent statement on your 401K. Do you spend time thinking about how mad you are at this? How you’ve worked X amount of years, and now look where you are. Do you calculate the loss over and over again? You wonder…what if the economy doesn’t recover in the next 2 or 3 years, then where will I be? What if I lose everything? What if my company goes under? What will I do? I will probably lose my home, my spouse, …who will hire me? If all the pilots are out of work, how will I complete for a job? And on and on…

And now for the good news…you can change how you feel by changing how you think. So what?..you ask. If you lower your stress levels, you have more energy to think clearly and make better decisions. Plus you are easier to live with so your relationships improve. Also, reduced stress levels in your body lead to better overall health.

You can lower your stress by taking a few simple actions. First, whenever you hear your self say or think “what if” …..STOP that thought.

It will only lead to anxiety. “What if” thinking is something that is not happening now. It is about the future and not in your immediate control. Second, ask yourself, “Is there any action I need to take now?” If so, move into action. If not, focus on something you do have control over. You will hear me repeat over and over, “Whatever you focus on grows.” Finally, think about what you are grateful for. Counting your blessings keeps life in perspective. Once a day, think of 5 things you are grateful for. You will begin to see these things expand in your life!

1.Competitive Attitude. Pilots tend to be competitive and usually don’t work too well in teams. Again, this will get you in trouble in your relationship. As a couple, you can learn to be your partner’s safe harbor…us against the world. Being happy is better than being right.

2. Put Downs. Another form of disrespect is the need to put your partner down, to keep her in her place. This often comes from a fear of being overshadowed by your partner’s success. It shows up as teasing, name calling, or sarcasm. It also shows up by being overly pessimistic and attributing her success to luck or chance instead of effort and accomplishment.

3. Negativity. I have met some seriously grumpy pilots! And some seriously negative spouses/partners. Who wants to be with someone who is always looking for what is wrong, always critical, pessimistic? In the cockpit you have to be a critical thinker but at home it doesn’t work. I tell people in my office to “focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. Whatever you focus on grows. If you want more of what you are thinking about or talking about, keep it up. If you don’t, change your thoughts and words. Focus on what you want.” I know things are tough out there, but try to find a way not to bring the stress from the job home. I’ll be offering an online class on stress management soon.

4. Playing Games. Creating drama in a relationship is a diversion technique. Some couples go from crisis to crisis and avoid having to look at the core issues or solve problems in the relationship. This is the stick shaker or warning signal that as a couple, you need help. And remember, marriage counseling does not have to be reported at your medical. Just make sure your provider does not give you a diagnosis. Prior to your first counseling session, talk to your provider about your concerns with diagnosis.

I hope you will avoid these communication busters and improve your relationship. For specific help on Conflict Resolution Skills, you can check out my e-book.

No pilot wants to bust a check ride. By reviewing procedures, practicing, and refreshing your skills, you prepare for the test. The same strategies apply to having better communication with your spouse or partner. Learning new skills and practicing them are the key to successful pilot relationships. Try to avoid the following communication busters.

1. Jumping to Conclusions. A very effective personality trait of pilots is to assess a situation quickly and to take immediate action based on the assessment. This skill in the cockpit keeps everyone safe but it is not effective at home! It’s important to listen to what is being said and take time to understand . Check out what you think is being communicated by clarifying what your partner wants. There is a gender trait in this area as well. Women tend to jump to conclusions by assigning intent, by deciding what he really meant! “He said this…, but what he meant was….”, reading between the lines for hidden meaning. With my years of working with more men than women, I can safely say,”What you see, is what you get.” Men usually are not that complicated. If you are a female pilot, you have to watch out for the pilot traits and the gender traits.
2. Defensiveness. Defenses are natural and normal, neither right or wrong, good or bad. Defenses are used when you feel threatened; when your ideas, your wants, your needs feel under attack . However, when either partner is in a defensive mode, it is hard to communicate effectively. Pilots tend to use anger or humor as their main defenses. Remember, it is OK to disagree. You can learn to respect your partner’s opinion, even if you don’t agree. Research has shown that many marital arguments cannot be resolved because of fundamental differences in values, personality, or lifestyle. Your goal is to learn to honor your differences and let go of the need to be right. My husband quoted someone (we don’t remember who) when I was falling into this defensive trap, “Would you rather be happy or right?”
   
3. Aggressiveness. When the defense of anger turns to aggression, you are in a battle for control. The need to be in control is another important trait for a pilot - in the cockpit. But if you are bullying to get your way, or arguing for the sake of arguing at home, you are headed for a relationship crash. You need to learn to be assertive not aggressive. Being assertive is clearly stating your opinion or asking for what you want, then letting go of the result.
4. Disrespect. Verbal and non-verbal disrespect are sure signs of relationship disaster. When you use hurtful words, they can play over and over in your partner’s memory. Non-verbal disrespect like eye rolling, a disgusted tone, or any other signs of contempt actually are predictors of divorce. (John Gottman) Another form of disrespect is using a parental tone. This is guaranteed to result in less sex in the relationship. If you sound like a mother or a father, it pretty much kills the desire to mate.

For some reason, I was more reflective this year about the events of 9/11. Maybe it’s because the economy has taken such a turn for the worse. The airline industry has perhaps felt the most reverberations over the years. Remember when the doors were open? And getting through security was easy? When there were many airline companies and fuel costs were reasonable?

I remember being in my office in the weeks following the terrorist attacks, listening to pilots being angry that their fellow professional pilots were used as a means of destruction. I was also listening to the fear of flying with such uncertainty. There was an awareness of the impending changes because of the events. I heard over and over, “Life as we know it has changed forever.”

Where were you when the planes were grounded? I was flying back from Zurich on Swiss Air to Boston, due to land around 10:00. We were informed that America had been attacked, had closed it’s borders, and we were being diverted to Gander. Then about 15 minutes later, because Gander was full, we went on to Halifax, Nova Scotia. People in the plane were calling back to Europe to find out what was happening. We sat on the ground until about 6:30 pm when we were then graciously and efficiently “processed” into Canada. For the next 3 days, the people of Halifax opened their homes and hearts to help those of us who were stranded. They provided food, shelter, phone and computer banks, TV screens to keep up with the news, & medical care for anyone in need. It was truly a remarkable situation and I will be forever grateful to our Northern Neighbors.

So again, where were you? How has life changed for you since then?

My goal in writing this blog is to assist you in handling the unique lifestyle you have chosen in the airline industry. The time schedules, communication challenges, the “pilot personality”, furloughs & mergers can all add stress to an already stressful life. I will be offering tips for handling these topics and plan to share one of the best stress reduction strategies…..humor. Laughter can help keep things in perspective and help us not take ourselves so seriously. My hope is that you will share humorous stories or inspirational stories. Maybe we will come up with our own Chicken Soup for the Airline Family’s Soul.

Check back often to get updates. Also, please feel free to request any topic that is of interest to you.