Pilot Relationships

No pilot wants to bust a check ride. By reviewing procedures, practicing, and refreshing your skills, you prepare for the test. The same strategies apply to having better communication with your spouse or partner. Learning new skills and practicing them are the key to successful pilot relationships. Try to avoid the following communication busters.

1. Jumping to Conclusions. A very effective personality trait of pilots is to assess a situation quickly and to take immediate action based on the assessment. This skill in the cockpit keeps everyone safe but it is not effective at home! It’s important to listen to what is being said and take time to understand . Check out what you think is being communicated by clarifying what your partner wants. There is a gender trait in this area as well. Women tend to jump to conclusions by assigning intent, by deciding what he really meant! “He said this…, but what he meant was….”, reading between the lines for hidden meaning. With my years of working with more men than women, I can safely say,”What you see, is what you get.” Men usually are not that complicated. If you are a female pilot, you have to watch out for the pilot traits and the gender traits.
2. Defensiveness. Defenses are natural and normal, neither right or wrong, good or bad. Defenses are used when you feel threatened; when your ideas, your wants, your needs feel under attack . However, when either partner is in a defensive mode, it is hard to communicate effectively. Pilots tend to use anger or humor as their main defenses. Remember, it is OK to disagree. You can learn to respect your partner’s opinion, even if you don’t agree. Research has shown that many marital arguments cannot be resolved because of fundamental differences in values, personality, or lifestyle. Your goal is to learn to honor your differences and let go of the need to be right. My husband quoted someone (we don’t remember who) when I was falling into this defensive trap, “Would you rather be happy or right?”
   
3. Aggressiveness. When the defense of anger turns to aggression, you are in a battle for control. The need to be in control is another important trait for a pilot - in the cockpit. But if you are bullying to get your way, or arguing for the sake of arguing at home, you are headed for a relationship crash. You need to learn to be assertive not aggressive. Being assertive is clearly stating your opinion or asking for what you want, then letting go of the result.
4. Disrespect. Verbal and non-verbal disrespect are sure signs of relationship disaster. When you use hurtful words, they can play over and over in your partner’s memory. Non-verbal disrespect like eye rolling, a disgusted tone, or any other signs of contempt actually are predictors of divorce. (John Gottman) Another form of disrespect is using a parental tone. This is guaranteed to result in less sex in the relationship. If you sound like a mother or a father, it pretty much kills the desire to mate.